The Struggle to Accept My Baby's Diagnosis
There are many transitions that I've had in the past, but this transition will always be
memorable. The picture you see here is my newborn daughter, Olivia Madison. Olivia Madison was diagnosed with Down Syndrome at birth. This picture is important to me because of the internal struggle I had with letting people know that my daughter has a learning disability (or what I would say learning ability). I felt if I posted this picture with her eyes open, then people would know, but it was all apart of my own insecurities. But now I feel a lot more comfortable and freedom in posting this picture because she is such a joy in my life!
Let me share my journey...
I found out on Mother's Day 2015 that I was pregnant, which explained me being emotional and hungry all the time. I was nervous and scared because I had a toddler at the time, my husband and I weren't in the best financial situation, and I was a full time Science teacher. How was I going to do this? So I gave this situation to the Lord because apparently I was supposed to be pregnant at this time in life. You are probably thinking I could take birth control, but I struggled with taking birth control because I had a blood clot previous years before.
So continuing on! My husband, Joel, and I became excited about finding out the gender of the baby because it has been 9 generations of having just boys on his side of family. During this time I was in prayer because I knew my husband desired to have a daughter since we had a son. The day finally came when we found out the gender of the baby and it was a GIRL! A MIRACLE! DID I SAY A MIRACLE?! My husband and I were practically in tears! OH, THE JOY! Then a couple of doctors entered into the room.
All I could think is, Why are there 2 other doctors in the room? So after hearing the great news, the doctor begins to talk to my husband and I about the possibility of our baby girl having Down Syndrome. My heart went from joy to sorrow. Am I really hearing this news? The doctor had great timing in sharing this information. I was so worried at this time and all I could think was "Why us Lord?" There was already a lot of things going on in my life and I felt like there has been a lot of unfair things dealt to me from the Lord.
I remember after that talk, the genetic counselor asked us if we wanted to do some testing. We said we would do the blood test, not the test where they pull the DNA from the baby. We expressed to the doctors that whatever the results were, that this child was intended to be here in this world and that we would give her the best life possible. My husband and I waited a whole week to find out the results. How agonizing?! We finally got the results back and it was a 50/50 chance that my child would have Down Syndrome.
So we let family know about the news. They were very supportive, but I just began to grieve because it wasn't the news I was expecting. This didn't help the situation because I was already very sick in the pregnancy. I didn't have the same excitement as my first pregnancy, I didn't want to take pictures of myself, and I didn't even want a baby shower!
December 2015
Time was going by and our finances was a little rocky and I felt like the Lord had totally forgotten about me. People were praying for me on a daily basis. On the last day before our Christmas break, my coworkers and I were having a Christmas party. So I walked away from the party before it started and when I came back my coworker/friend announces that this was a Christmas party/Baby Shower. I was so surprised! I normally catch onto things like this but I was so burdened by grief and sadness.
So people were surprised that I didn't figure it out! I was overwhelmed with joy when they celebrated my pregancy. The Lord really heard my prayers! He provided the things that my baby girl needed because we had all boys things and He showed me that my family is truly loved and supported by my coworkers/community. We received so much more money than I imagined. This was reassurance to me that everything was going to be ok and that God will provide in ways we couldn't imagine. It is all about His timing, not ours!
January 2016
The day finally came for Olivia Madison to come into this world! After delivering vaginally (which I had a C-section with my son Alexander), I was so excited because I couldn't believe that I delivered vaginally and I could finally meet my daughter. I was just so amazed on how the Lord got me through all that pain! I'm very low tolerant of pain.
This was such an amazing experience to deliver and to have your own child laying on your chest! I was on such a high! So when Olivia was placed on my chest and she opened her eyes, I knew she had Down Syndrome. I felt like I was in a dream where I didn't want this to be my reality. I still loved her immediately, but all I could think, "Why does my child have to deal with this disorder for the rest of her life?" As I dealt with these feelings, you could tell my husband was worried too. He began to ask questions and they had to make sure that they did the necessary test to confirm her diagnosis.
So long story short, I was very strong up to the point where the Genetic doctor told my husband and I that our baby girl had Down Syndrome. I just lost it and just began to weep. That was a very hard day for me! I wept for most of the day. In knowing my personality, I don't like to show vulnerability, but this was a time that my husband and I had to rely on the Lord to help us work together. I loved my daughter so much that I didn't want her to suffer with a disability.
My feelings now...
My daughter means SOOO much to me as well as my son. She is just like any other newborn and she is a such an amazing child. I thought to myself, "What have I been stressing myself out when she is just like any other baby?" Many thoughts came into my head about how could other people get rid of such a precious gift from the Lord. I do struggle from time to time, but I know who my Savior is and I'm truly thankful that He has brought so many loving family and friends in my life. Olivia Madison is such an amazing and beautiful child and I would not trade her nor my son for the world. My family is now complete!!!!
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